ask a stereotypical pirate... arrrchives!

(Hi, Talk About Comics forum folk!)

Added 10/20/00:


Arr, CRAIG! I advise ye' try playin' the twist-off cap games on the soda water drinks. Or, if ye' live near a Hot Shots bar, go there. I hear yer always a winner at Hot Shots! Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

when was the last time you got laid??

Ye' have an usual name, ---. That information be between me, me wenches, Cap'n Dark Brew and Parrot. Arrr.

Porque tengo mas fuego como yo?

Arr, no me gusta el español. Parrot can count to "ocho", but 'twas me matey, Jorge del Yorando, who taught him. Arrr!


Added 10/18/00:

Arr!!! I be a fair wench with a wee dilemma. I have the cravings for a certain pirate boy, Arr!!! How do I get him to notice me?
Ye Olde Baby J

Aye, this may be a tricky one! Does yer pirate boy like the plunderin'? If so, wait to approach him 'til after the plunderin'. You don't want to be killed!

Now, if he has a parrot, asking about the parrot is a good way to start. Perhaps ye' can introduce him to yer own parrot! 'Tis helpful to show some cleavage. Let him know ye' be the wench for him! Arrrr!

If ye' decide ye' don't need him, or if he doesn't respond, 'tis easy to send a a band of enemy pirates to plunder his ship. Arr.

who lives in a pineapple under the sea?
Sponge Bob Square Pants

Aye, 'tis you! (Me friend, Eccentric George, also lives in a pineapple under the sea. Arr.)

Arrr....I'm so irate.
Grandmaster Spork

Arr, Grandmaster Spork, have ye' tried buying a domain to express yer feelings? http://ibeirate.org 'tis good! Arrr!


Aye, cow, if ye' be a lady cow with a wee calf, the milk ye' produce can make the cheese! Arrr! If ye' be a bull cow, yer role in the cheese is a bit less direct! Arrrrrr!


If ye's the cheese-lubbin' type, aye! If ye' be lactose intolerant, arrr! Keep away!

how man feet do i have?

Arrr... man feet? Be ye' a man? I have two man feet, but me friend, Art de'Urabis, has only one. My matey, Gold Tooth, he hasn't any feet since the shark got 'em. 'Tis terrible, arrr!

i stwal bread from old women and babies...thewn i steal cheese from tigers and crazy fools named joe. Do i have problems?

Arrr, 'tis a good start in the plunderin'! I'm not sure what ye' mean by "stwal", but crazy fools named joe are just askin' to lose their cheese! Arrr! Be he yer mortal enemy? Arrr. Yer problem be this: Ye' need a band of pirates, ship, cannon, and flag before ye' start the real plunderin'! I like yer spirit! Blow the man down! Arr!


Added 10/11/00:

"Arr! This chair be high... says I!"
Black Beard

Curse ye'! Homer's soul belongs to Marge! Arrr!

do you bury a lot of treasure?

Arr, no. Me friend, Loan Shark, buries the treasure. I just spend me treasure on the drink. Arr.

i think i might have genital warts. should i tell the girl i just started dating?

Aye, Land Lubber! Yer new wench has a right to know! Unless ye' plan on dumpin her before getting laid. No point, then. Arr.


Aye, tis' a matey! Arrr!


Added 09/23/00:

Why do pirates say "arrr?"

Because we are pirates, and pirates say, "Arrr!" Arr.

What do you look for in a wench?
Redheaded Wench

I like my wenches fair and true. Vast knowledge in the arts of plundering and cannon-firin' make life easier for everyone. They must know their way around a ship, and respect Parrot. Large bosoms are a plus, but not a deal maker or breaker! Arrr!

The most important things to look for in a wench, if ye' plan to take her out on the High Seas: She must be fearless in the face of our enemies, and not get the seasickness.

I don't know I'm talking about. Arr. The wenches don't much care for me. I'm too busy paying attention to Parrot and plunderin' villages to listen to their needs, they say. Arrr.


Are ye' talkin' the Swahili, jkhbkd? What be the meaning of this! Arrrrrr!





Added 08/31/00:

Will you be my friend?
The Puppet Master

Are ye' a loyal and true friend? Do ye' enjoy plundering small villages, digging for treasure, and firing the cannon? Do ye' like parrots? Or are ye' a fair wench? If the answer to any or all of the above is "aye!", then I'll be yer friend. If not, we can discuss it over ale. Arrr!

Don't you even care?

Arr! I care very much about my parrot! His name is Parrot, and he says, "Walk the plank, landlubber!" And he says other things!

I am also concerned about the homeless. Arrr.


Added 08/22/00:

Is this where the dead get down?
i'm so indie i make *myself* feel inferior

Mean ye the Grateful Dead? Before he pirated, my friend SunMoonWeed used to follow them everywhere they would go. If ye mean the actual dead, yes. Yes, it is.

I know a fair wench who is also named "i'm so indie i make *myself* feel inferior". Are ye related? We met after I plundered a wee town near the Ivory Coast, and we spent many-a-day teaching the parrots to say "hand over your gold, or the boy gets it!" Ahh, those were the days! We were tight as a new eyepatch until a band of rival pirates captured her. Arrr!!! If I ever get my hands on those scoundrels, the plank will get some attention!

you don't even sound like a pirate. why are you so stupid?
this is stupid

Why did yer wench o' a mother name you "this is stupid"? Why do ye hate capital letters? Arrr! I went to Yale!

I think ye' are confusing me with the old school, 1500s stereotypical pirates. Times, they are a-changin'!


Added 08/15/00:

Do you have any friends who are pocket-sized? Would they like to come live with me?

Aye! Me friend Pete, "Wee Petey" we call him! After a keg of ale, 'tis always quite merry to sit him on our parrots' shoulders! He's off in search of more of his kind, so that they can form a band of pocket-sized plunderers! Arrr!

what should i do with all this CRACK?

All of ye' should throw a bitchin' par-tay, and enjoy many-a-hit! 'Twould be the shit! Or, barter it for treasure. If that's not your cup of tea, give it to your enemies, and plunder their ship while they're high! Arrr!


'Tis not a question! Arrrrrrrrrr!


Added 08/09/00:

I'm thinking about buying a new cannon for my ship. Any suggestions?
jim-bob, Fort Lauderdale

Arrr. I would recommend a large cannon, because they fire the largest cannon balls. You can do considerably more damage to your rivals' ships with large balls.

Happy sinkin'! Arrr!

Do you think that the Lakers will pull a repeat next year?
J.S., Los Angeles

Arrr. I hope so, because during riots, my plundering goes almost unnoticed! Arrr!

My friend is having a party, and she invited everyone but me! Should I confront her, and, if so, how?
Extremely Upset in Northern ID

Arrr. Of course you should confront her! The obvious way to do this is to fire your cannon at her ship, but have you thought about plundering? It's straight forward and effective. That wench will think twice before she decides not to put your name on the guest list next time! Arrr!


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