ask a stereotypical pirate... arrrchives!

Added 10/31/00:

i cant stop smiling. am i in love?

Aye, it be possible, arrr! Or perhaps ye' have the Permanent Surprise from eating too many Doritos.

I went to a party and i ate all the cheese on the little spinny cheese thing. it was good. i really like cheese. do you like cheese mr pirate?

Aye! I rarely pass up the chance to enjoy a fine cheese! Arrr!

Alright, Mr. Stereotypical Pirate, we're going to take a ride downtown. Put your hands behind your back.
A cop

Arr, 'tis not a question! And ye' must read me my rights! Unless ye' are just planning to give me a ride to the fair. Arrr.

Why doesn't anyone like me?
Just answer my question and shut up about my freakin' name!

Perhaps it be because ye' don't love yerself, Just answer my question and shut up about my freakin' name! Perhaps it be because ye' be a playa. Perhaps ye've plundered a few too many homes. Or perhaps it be because of the acne. Arrr. 'Tis hard to say without knowing ye' better, Just answer my question and shut up about my freakin' name! Ye' may want to try joining a club or the like to help meet new people. Arrrrr.

Did you know you make me giggle?

Arr, no! But I hear I be even more amusing when ye' be on the crack!

Look at all the pretty bubbles! You are not my brother! Where is Bob!? I will bite you!

Arrr! You're not Farleigh! Don't bite me! Leave Parrot be! Arrr!

I'd like to become a pirate but I'm a peice of celery. What should I do?
A Peice of Celery

Arr, I be sorry, but I don't think 'tis a good idea. One swipe of an enemy's shiny hook, and you're part of his next Bloody Mary (unless he prefers the asparagus)! Arrr! Perhaps ye' should volunteer to help a local band of pirates with a less intense part of battle, such as treasure sortin'. Arrr.

plunderin' makes me happy.

I hear ye'. Arrrr.

I want my MTV!

Arrr, I haven't watched much of the MTV since "Beavis and Butthead" ended. Arrr! 'Twas quality entertainment!


Because we like you. Arrr.


Added 10/28/00:

Is the pirate's life the life for me?
Stereo-typical non-pirate

If, indeed, ye' be a stereo-typical non-pirate, no. Arrr. Ye' would not much care for the pirate's life.

If ye' would like a taste of the pirate's life without going whole-hog, perhaps ye' should try taking a cruise or go sailing. Ye' may also wish to consider visiting a pirate-themed restaurant, adopting a pet parrot, or trying on a hook or eyepatch. Arrr!

If a tree falls in a forest, and no one's there, but then someone finds it, makes lumber out of it, uses the partially-rotted wood to build a ship, sells it to some sailors, and when they get plundered by pirates, they lose the ship because it sinks because of the bad wood, does the ship make a big "glub" sound?
Guy Gizmo

Arrr, Guy Gizmo, I can't say I have lived that exact scenario, so I can't be sure. Arrr. I imagine there would be a "glub" sound, aye. If ye' must know, perhaps ye' could recreate such a scene in yer bathroom. Arr.



Woogle snargle witz?

Be ye' talkin' the Swahili? Arrr.

Do you find it offensive that Captain Hook used a slide for a plank instead of a piece of wood in the Marry Martin version of Peter Pan?

Arr, not offensive, but 'twas highly irregular. I thought it made the film seem a wee bit unrealistic. Arrr!

Are you going to answer "no" to this question?

I am going to answer "Arrr!" to this question. Arrr!

i'm dying

Arr, I believe there was some sort of error in the name field. I be sorry ye' be dying. Arrrr.


Added 10/24/00:

Me and a friend recently got backstabbed by a loser...how do we get our revenge?!
CMOT Dibbler

Arr, I've got one word for ye' - plunderin'. It sends the message that ye' won't take none of that again! Arrr!

Ah! I've been wanting to get into the pirate industry...what do I need? I can use a sword...but it's a broadsword! Do I need to use your kind of swords, with one sharp curved edge? Also, can I be a part time pirate, and part time knightess? Oh yeah, how much on average do you get on each plundering mission thing? I need money! And being a knight doesn't give much good pay...especially not an exiled one...
Knightess named Kaera

Arr. The most important thing ye' need be a band of other pirates. One pirate alone can't get much plunderin' done!

Any type of sword ye' can wield should be good enough. If ye' would like to learn more about usin' a traditional pirate's sword, 'tis a noble endeavor.

Arr, 'tis entirely possible to be a part-time pirate. In addition to me piratin', I be a part-time manager at a Denny's.

The amount of plunder ye' can expect varies by town. For example, I acquired two chestfuls of gold and jewels when me band and I plundered a town in the West Indies, but ended up with worthless costume jewelry when we plundered an area of Detroit. Arrrr!

Good luck to ye'! Arrrrrrrrrrr!

You scare me! Why do you scare me? WHY!? ARRRRGH, WHY!? YARRRRGH!!! *shakes him* YOU SCARE ME TO NO END! ARRRR ARRR!!! *screams, throws him out the window and runs away, screaming screams of scream*

Actually, I was going to ask how you keep your hook shiny and clean and unrusty and how the heck do you use that thing when you eat and go to the bathroom!?!? *o_O*;; Arrr. *^^*;; *runs off again, screaming screams of scream*


Arr, calm yerself, matey! Perhaps it be me reckless plunderin' that puts ye' off.

I replace me hook at the first signs of the rustin', and I be very careful to use me good hand for the more delicate operations. Arrr!

My spleen is itchy. what should i do?

Arrr, I be no doctor, but I think ye' may want to have that taken out. In the meantime, ye' should soothe yerself with tasty gummi candies. Arrr.

How do you tie shoes?
Ye Ole Pimpdaddy

'Tis a good question, arrr! I usually ask one of me wenches or two-handed mates for help. If I be alone, 'tis a difficult operation, indeed! I usually slip into a pair of sandals. Arrrr!

Whats your middle name? Do you see lampshades when you close your eyes or hula dancers? If I was a mermaid, would you try to eat my seashells? My names not Sally, I'm not selling them by the seashore, am I? What am I selling? How many fingers am I holding up? Do I have any fingers? Whats my left foots name? If you had a oeg leg, and you were walking in an old house with holes in the floor, would your peg leg get sutck? Then what? If you could choose between cheddar cheese and swiss cheese, would you pick peanut butter or guacamole? Does butter taste better on toast or belly buttons? Whys the sky blue and my feet orange? I think ym feet are orange because of the flinstone vitamins. Ever had those? Are your favorites the dino ones too? I love those guys. They're good. Hows the flinstone vitamin song go? Why don't I have 15 toes like everyone else? Have you ever picked up a hitchiker? One time, my dad said he picked up one and she pulled out a wrench and screamed "AYRR! RRRR TAKE ME TO MY HOUSE OR I'LL TWIST OFF YOUR NOSE!!!!!" was he lieing? Can I have an irish accent? Will you REALLY answer this? How many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of the tootsie pop? Will the world ever know? What am I thinking RIGHT now? Whats with all teh cheese questons? Whats your favorite type of cheesE? Do you like answering questions? I like asking them, don't you think? Should I stop now? What sounds do elephants make?

Arr, Cheeto! I may not have the answers to all of yer questions, but I do have this piece of advise: Ye' should consider volunteering at a retirement home. The tenants love to chat with spirited youngsters, and most of them won't mind if ye' be a little incoherent!

In semi-answer to some of yer questions:
I have no middle name! Arrr!
I prefer my butter on toast.
Arr, the sky be all colors. The human eye sees blue the best most of the day. (Just think of the sunsets. Arr.)
When I was a wee lad, I once ate a whole bottle of Flinstones vitamins. Arrr... those were the days.
Ye' be fortunate to have any toes! Arrr!
Ye' can have an Irish accent if ye' truly believe ye' can have an Irish accent, Cheeto.
Arr - I won't REALLY answer this, but I will answer it a little!
Me favorite type of cheese is sharp cheddar. I know it's not the most exciting cheese, but I love it all the same! Arr!
Sometimes, when Parrot be asleep and I be lonely, I like to answer questions to keep my mind off the stress of plunderin'. Arrr.
Arr, Cheeto. Some believe ye' should not stop until ye' get enough, and others believe ye' should stop while ye' be ahead. I believe it be a little of both.
It depends on what the elephant be doing.
Arrr. Arrrrrrrrr!

I want a cookie.
I love this thing.
Its magic and makes me wanna dance.,
sorry. cant speak pirate aye?


Arrrr, moo. I be far too afraid of heights to dance with ye' on the moon, but I sure do like cookies! Arrr!

It can be hard to speak the pirate. I grew up just outside of Seattle, and 'twas hard to the learn the pirate speak. I still have trouble with it at times. When I don't know what to say, I just say, "Arrrrr!" Arr.


Added 10/21/00:

I'm God. Did you know that?

Arr, no. Me friend, Lord Zip, once thought he was God. He tried to set up a lunch date with Robert Tilton, but alas, 'twas in vain. Arrr.

what is the meaning of this absurdity?

Absurdity be the state of being absurd, which means "illogical" or "ridiculous". Arrr.

If a pirate's favorite letter be 'R' (arr), and a pirate's favorite movie type be 'R-rated' and a pirate's favorite vegetable be "arrtichoke", what be a stereotypical pirate's favorite clothing designer?

Arr, me mates and I tend to wear whatever we have handiest. We get new clothes through plunderin', or when the wenches or our mother's give them to us. Arrr.

So, the answer to yer question be "Armani".

I'm not a pirate, but I would like to do some plundering...my problem is this: I can't be out of the water as I'm an octopus. How can I get my own band of pirates, a ship, a cannon, etc.?
Unhappy Octopus

Arrr, Unhappy Octopus. I see ye' have internet access. I hear ye' can buy most anything on the web today. Try purchasing equipment that way. Arr. Ye' should be able to find parties interested in joining yer band, as well. Arrrrrrr!

Do ye know of any good pillagin' towns 'round these parts, mate? Me 'n the boys, my Silver Horde, could do with a wee bit of spendin' cash, and we've already done with the pillagin' in our own area. Can ye help? Arrrr?
Genghiz Cohen the barbarian

Arrr, matey! If ye' be willin' to drive a bus instead of a ship, ye' may want to try plunderin' northern Idaho. They won't see it comin'! Arrrrr!

Do you like the word plunderin'??? chooochooo

Aye! Arrr!


Arrrr! Maybe ye' will like Frank once ye' get to know him. If not, there's always the plunderin'! Arrr.


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