ask a stereotypical pirate... arrrchives!

Added 11/28/00:

ohhhhh ohhhhhhh chiquita banaaaannaaa......oh yeah
chiquitachiquitachiiisuuuuuwwhjaaaaaaa BREAK IT DOWN


Arrr? I've eaten Special K with bananas before... arr....

Why won't these errors fix?!

Arrr, I be not sure. Ye' sound stressed - perhaps ye' should take yer mind off the errors by talkin' with yer parrot. Arrr!

My best friend is complete poser! She acts like that nastiest pirate that ever was, when she's never even set foot in a dinghy! She's driving me crazy! What should I do?

Methinks she needs a reality check. Arrr. Perhaps ye' should try taking her out on the seas, have 'er climb to the crow's nest, and make 'er prepare the cannon. If that doesn't rattle 'er, a high-risk plunderin' job (perhaps on an enemy ship) should do the trick! Arrrr!

Or ye' could try talkin' to 'er - she may not realize that she be botherin' ye'. Arrr.

By the way, I think lala-san from a couple updates ago was talking about carnival glass. That stuff's pretty. My mother used to have a bowl made from it but apparently I broke it. Do you like carnival glass?

Arrr, aye! But I go to the carnival for the freaks! Arrrr! Once I saw a real DonkeyBoy!

I've seen pirate and/or see-faring people use:
Arrrrr! Yarrrrrr! Harrrrrrr! and G'yarrrrrrr!
(You like to say "Arrrr!") How does a pirate decide which to use? Also, how does one decide how many r's to use?

(insert letter here)arrrr!

Arrr, it be the individual pirate's call. I prefer "arrr!", but it's just as correct to put a letter or two in front, if ye' desire. Arr! Some pirates like to sound a little different.

Arr, the number of R's is used to show how long the "arrrrr!" is meant to be held out. If I'm feeling particularly passionate about the "arrr!", I usually use a few more R's. Arrr.

You so craaaazzzyyy.....I think I wanna have yo' baby!
Elizabeth Montgomery

Arrr, Miss Montgomery, 'tis a kind offer, but I'm too busy with plunderin' and trollin' for wenches and Parrot to be a father. Arrr!

What do you and your parrot do during "quality time"?

Arrr! First, I put fresh newspapers in Parrot's cage, and give 'im clean food and water! Arrr. After that, we eat cookies and I work with 'im on his talkin'. (Right now, we be workin' on "land, ho!") Sometimes, we play with blocks, or I give Parrot some popsicle sticks to tear up. Arrr... last night, we watched The Matrix, but I don't think Parrot was enjoyin' it much.

Once in a while, I take Parrot out. Arrr. We mingle with other pirates and parrots, and he helps me pick up the wenches. Arrrr! I treasure my time with Parrot.

Who let the dogs out?

Arrrr, 'twas some scurvy French bastard! I be transportin' some fancy dogs I plundered from a breeder in England, and during a stop for ale and cough syrup in France, some louse set them free to roam the streets! ARRRR! (On the plus side, the ship was far quieter without the yapping. Arrr. I was afraid the parrots would start mimicking that.)

you know that song i go, where the indian man goes... AAAA MONA MONA MONA MONA MONA MONAAAAAAA YOOoOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
i love that song.
you and mr parrot could do the butterscotch dance.


Arrr, Sting! I be a fan, but I don't reckon I know this "butterscotch dance". Arrr.

Arrr, ye be an imposter! I am the real pirate, and I'm stereotypical too! How dare ye steal my name and my plunderin' credits? Arrr! I be very very angry, fool! And I suppose ye're taking me wenches too? ARRRRR! Curse ye and yer damn fool tricks!
The REAL Pirate

Arrr, calm yerself! I be sure that more than one pirate can have the same name - just think of Black Beard and Black Beard! And when do I be stealin' yer plunderin' credits? Perhaps ye' be paranoid! Arrrr!

And while I don't be sayin' I wouldn't steal yer wenches, I don't think I be doin' it now. Arrr. Mr. T wannabe....

Why are you such a dumb-ass?

Arrrr... I blame the drinkin'.

Well...since Parrot isn't exactly available, what about your matey, Wee Petey? Is he into inter-species dating?
Sexy Parakeet

Arrr, Wee Petey doesn't get much action. He gets lonely, and would likely take whatever he can get. 'Tis worth a shot! Arrr!


Added 11/20/00:

what should I do for anal itch?

Have ye' tried the scratchin'? If ye' find that to be ineffective, then perhaps ye' should visit a pharmacy and purchase a topical cream. Arrrr. If it won't go away, or gets worse, see yer doctor. Arrr!

What are your thoughts on the united states' presidential election, Oh stereotypical pirate? Also, should the Missouri people have been allowed to elect a dead guy as their senator?

Arrr, I wish that they'd put me in charge of these elections. I'd get these landlubbers to settle the old fashioned way, with a duel at dawn. Arrr....

This sort of thing would never happen on the High Seas! If we be needin' new leadership, we mutiny! Arrr! Once we named a parrot our new cap'n - Cap'n Parrot, we called 'im! We all drank so much that night! Arrr! 'Tis a good, fuzzy memory. I can't remember what we did with the old cap'n... arrrr....

I think the Missouri people know best - if they be best represented by a dead guy, then perhaps 'tis the thing to do! Arrrrrrr!

I wish these "politicians" and "reporters" would stop breaking in to my shows with their "analysis" and whathaveyou. Arrr, I be missin' my daytime stories! Arrrr!

Mr. Pirate, how can something be "the same difference" like the expression? Does it have anything to do with pirates? And do you have my other sock?
The Grand Duchess of Suburbia

Arrr, I think it be when something be different, but in an insignificant way, and with the same result. Like if I plundered a town at 6:00, but they be sayin' the plunderin' took place at 6:05, it be "the same difference". The town was plundered in the evening. Arrr. I guess that be how it relates to pirates. Arrr!

I don't have yer sock, but I seem to be missin' a few of my own. If ye' wish to join me in trackin' down this sock-plunderin' scoundrel, give me a call. Arrrr.

Is Parrot single? If so, what does he look for in a mate?
Sexy Parakeet

Arrr... to be perfectly honest with ye', I haven't had Parrot sexed yet, and I still don't know if Parrot be male or female. I just assume he be a "he" because he hasn't tried to lay eggs. Arrr.

If ye' want to be Parrot's friend, I could schedule a play date! He likes to talk to other birds about "cookies" and "wenches" and "arrrr!" and "mateys". Arrrr.

It's my birthday! What did you get me, Mr. Pirate?
Little Timmy

Arrr, if ye' don't know by now, it must mean yer mammy didn't like the shrunken head and exotic feathers I left for ye'. Arrrr!

oompa loompa

Arrr, oompa loompa, methinks ye' have the wrong enemy pirate. I call me hook "Cap'n Jim", and I can't recall any pirate calling me "Flipper". Arrr. Perhaps ye' should look for other giraffe pirates to play with.

Arrrr... but if ye' come anywhere near Parrot, I'll cut ye', man. I'll cut ye'! ARRRRR!

How many people does it take for an orgy?
The blahster!

Well, three people be a threesome, and four, or two couples, be swingers, so I reckon that ye' need at least five. Arrr. 'Twould be a wee orgy, but an orgy all the same! Arrrr!

Pika pika...achuuuuuu!!!

I keep tryin' to teach Parrot the electrical attacks, but he be not learnin'. Arrr... 'tis a tough one.

Do pirates like to say "shiver me timbers!" a lot, as well as stuff like "ahoi maties" and "arrrr?"
Timber Owl

Aye! Some pirates, like me friend, Spiky Red, also like to say, "Land, ho!" Arrrr! We keep him in the crow's nest.

why does life have to be so sad all the time? and why can i just take a knife and cut out my heart?
a very sad person

Arrr, 'tis a mystery. Perhaps ye' should get a friendly parrot to talk with and cheer ye' up. Arrr.

Ye' may find it harder than ye' would imagine to cut out yer heart. Arrr. I imagine that be a difficult maneuver.

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ARRRRR!!! And it goes on and on! Curse ye', SPAM emailers! Arrr, if I find ye', ye' will get so plundered ye' won't know what hit ye'!! And don't expect me to spare ye' the plank! Arrrrrrrrr!


Aye, 'tis true! Arrrrrrr!


Added 11/12/00:

How much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck would?
Confused Wood Chuck

As much as he needs, if he not be a handicapped woodchuck. Arrr... Unless he be a physically healthy, obsessive woodchuck, which may cause him to chuck all day. Arr.

From a pirate's perspective, other than plunderin', what sort of recourse do I have if someone has wronged me?

Arrr! There be plank-walkin' or ship-vandalizin' (which is unlike plunderin' in that ye' don't take anything, only destroy). Or, ye' can lure their wench away with clever pick-up lines, like, "Shiver me timbers, ye' be a h0ttie!" Arrr. I draw the line at hurting parrots, and encourage other pirates to take heed. Arrrr!

do u wanna cyber?
horny wench

Aye! I be so lonely.... Arrr.

Have you ever been on that "Pirates of the Carribean" ride at Disneyland or Disney World? If so, what'd you think of it? It really scared me when I was six. And it's broken a whole lot. Any idea why?
gabriel byrne

Mr. Byrne, I have enjoyed ye' in such films as Excalibur, Little Women, and The Usual Suspects. Arr, 'tis a pleasure!

I have not been on that ride in ages, and I don't much remember it. Arrr. I enjoyed the robot wenches, and it made me itch to get back on the High Seas! Arrr! I don't recall it being a fun ride. I preferred "Mr. Toad's Wild Ride". Arrr.

I don't know why it would be broken a lot. Arrr. Perhaps people get excited and try to plunder it.

HHi Pirate. You're pretty. Do you have any autographed 8-by-10 glossies I can have of you and your prettiness?

Arrr, thank ye'! I have no 8-by-10 glossies, but feel free to print out my file photo for yer locker or bedposts. Arrr.

i was wondering..um, sir, pirate scary man..can you uh..umm..er..direct me to the nearest place to peirce me bellybutton..um, please..mr scary pirate man..umm..er..uh..
pierce me

When we pirates pierce ourselves, we use needles and ice and ale. We mostly do ears and noses, and once me friend Pete 5's nipples. Arrr, 'twas bloody...

I reccommend that ye' find a clean, reputable establishment, pierce me. Perhaps ye' have a piercing boutique at yer local mall. Arrr!

Okay as a pirate you spend your life at sea, so since most of the time you are on a boat, what the hell do you do with all your plunder? I mean. You are on a boat so what do you do if you plunder something like a Playstation 2?

Arrr, Brucesky. Often we pawn our plunder, and spend the money ship and cannon upgrades, and use it to entice the wenches. We have a traditional treasure-buryin' once-in-a-while, but things be so much more expensive now! Arrr!

I did keep one Playstation 2 to use when I be not plunderin'. Arrr. 'Tis quite fun.

If I was a rich man, would I still have to plunder?
Deep Thought

Arrr, no. But ye' could still plunder for sport. Or ye' could plunder yer own riches, and not risk going to the jug. Arr.

In my general opinion, I was hoping that maybe you and your plundering boys could do more pillaging and a little less carousing and drinking, because if you've ever noticed that you don't wake up with hangovers, then somebody realized that they have to go SOMEPLACE. That's when I happened. PLEASE, for the love of ME, could you drink a LITTLE less?!!
God of Hangovers

Arrr, curse ye'! I have no drinking problem! Everybody, stop telling me I have a a drinking problem! I only enjoy the occasional pint of ale! Arrrrrr! And I be able to hold me ale! 'Tis ye' who have the problem, all of ye'!

I be sorry... I'm just a little cranky... arrr...

I have happy toes! You're a leprechaun!

Arrr, I be a pirate, not a leprechaun. When I was a boy, I often had happy feet. When I gave them a low-down beat, they began dancing! Arrr! 'Twas a joy!


Added 11/07/00:

YAAHAHAHAA!!!! I'm a lone plunderer, but I have 40 lil Servbots by my side that do all my biddings!! Would I still need to round up some scurvy slobs to sucessfully plunder?
The Gortiest Fork of all

Arrr, 'tis most likely not necessary to 'round up more men, for the plunderin' itself, but ye' may wish to find some mates and wenches to accompany ye' still. 'Tis far more enjoyable to sail the seas with some mates! Arrr!

Arr.... Can ye help me? I'm a 100 year old, 3 foot tall pirate that lives in the chinese cherry tree forest... and everytime I try an plunder... people laugh and throw nickles at me like I'm some kinda Dancin' Pete... What can I do to bring back the old days of plunderin?
Hut Munk

Arrr, 'tis a tough situation. Ye' should probably find some mates to help ye' in the plunderin'. Also, perhaps ye' could learn to walk on stilts to give the illusion of height, and a mighty sword and hook can strike fear in the village ye' plan to plunder. Arrr!

In the meantime, collect those nickels! Arrr. They can really add up!

Can I eat your parrot?
Fried Chicken


Crazy Canuck

Arrr! I believe I tried to plunder Canada once, but a group of lumberjacks and hockey players tried to beat me with axes and hockey sticks. Arrrr... 'twas a bust.

Hardy har. I'm eating strawberry ice cream. its good and my feet are cold. alchoholic chillun. mmmmhmmmmmmmm?
ooggaaaa chakaaaa

Arrr, ice cream be tasty! Perhaps ye' should warm yer feet with wool socks, unless ye' be allergic to the wool. Ar.

Is is wrong to lie? What about cheating? Or stealing? My friends tell me it is, but I don't know if I should believe them. What do you think?

Arrr, as a pirate, I find little wrong with lying, cheating or stealing. My plunderin' depends on it! Arrr!

Myself and all of my peers in my English class are seriously convinced that our teacher is absolutely batty. Should we shove her off the plank, or do something else with her?
Some what sane high school student

Arrr, while I would generally be strongly in favor of a good plank-walkin', I think ye' may benefit more from a bogus (or is it?) sexual harassment suit. Ye' can make a lot more money and have fun doing it! Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

okie, so you know those glasses that are kind of pink because they are blue. why is that?

'Tis most likely something to do with the light refraction.... Arrr, I don't even know what I be trying to talk about. Perhaps ye' should try asking that Bill Nye fellow - I hear he be a top-notch Science Guy! Arrr!

Hi stereotpical pirate. I am very confused, my boyfriend Brad recently broke up with me because he thinks my front teeth are a bit off center. I loved Brad now all he does is chase me away from his house with pitchforks. Yesterday I met a new guy, his name is Brian and I really like him. But I'm still attached to Brad and his pitch forks. I think my question is pretty obvious. Will you go out with me stereotypical pirate?
Confused Wanda

Let me say this - that Brad be not for you. 'Tis very inappropriate to chase a wench with pitchforks and complain about her teeth. Arrr.

I don't think I be the one for ye' either, Confused Wanda. I be spendin' a lot of time away, plunderin'. Arrr! But methinks ye' should try yer luck with this Brian - perhaps he be the one for you. Arr. Arrrr!

I've noticed that when I go about saying "arrr" often and with great feeling, the back of my thoat starts getting a mite tickly. If I keep on doing so, it gets downright painful. How do you cope with this?
Captain Squanky


'Tis very important to keep hydrated when saying, "Arrr!" Ye' should try drinking a glass of water before ye' say, "Arrrrr!" at all, and carry a water bottle to keep yerself refreshed throughout the day. Arrrr. But stay clear of the sea water - 'tis generally full of salt, and 'twill only make matters worse! Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! Arr.

If this be not helpful, visit yer doctor - ye' may have an infection. Arrrrr!


Added 11/04/00:

arrrggh. this guy is always on my mind! how can i make it stop? argh!!

Arrr. Normally in a situation like this, I would recommend that ye' try plunderin', but methinks ye' may be in love. Ye' should look in to that. If it be not true, then ye' should try the plunderin'. Arrr! It takes my mind off of everything!

is cold-blooded murder a pirate thing to do? if not, what if i plundered his village after killing him -- would THAT be a pirate thing to do?
spurned wench

Arrr, perhaps in the past 'twas a pirate thing to do, but these days we try to keep the cold-blooded murderin's to a minimum, due to better policin'. Plunderin' an enemy's village, however, is still a pirate thing to do. And, if ye' must do the killin', perhaps ye' should make him walk the plank - 'tis the pirate way. Arrrrrr!

Yo homie. I got dumped by my girlfriend. What should I do now? I was considering hitchhiking to Canada to learn ti quan do so I can beat up a chessmaster to win the WWF title before returning to the US only to drop out of high school to become and unsuccessful logger with a mild cocaine addiction. What do you think?
Confused (possibly smelly) Guy

Arrr, homie. Methinks ye' have a solid plan there already, and I support ye' in it! Arrr! And if indeed ye' be smelly, perhaps ye' should stop at a store along yer way to buy soap, deodorant and perhaps cologne. Arr.

Help me oh help me! I love my best friend! Should I tell him? If so, how?


Unless ye' have reason to suspect it would cause ye' harm to tell him, I think ye' should. Ye' may have found the love of yer life! I think ye' should tell him over a nice dinner or moonlight sail... arrrr...

Hey, what would happen if you met Vikings? Would you try to beat them up? Or would you team up to loot the land?
Thunder Blossom

Arrr, Vikings! 'Twould depend on the Vikings. If they be willing to form a proper alliance, then perhaps it would help us both against our enemies (and perhaps we could mingle with their wenches!). If they be unfriendly, then we would try to plunder their ships. Arrr!

If ye' mean the Minnesota Vikings, I would just ask for Daunte Culpepper's autograph. Arrrr!

Do you ever get upset about how pirates are portrayed in the media?

Arrr, no. I haven't seen much in the media about pirates lately, and what I have seen has been mostly accurate. I don't like it when they draw attention to the pirating, though. It makes it harder to take villages by surprise when they know a band of pirates be nigh! Arrr!

Have two pirate ships ever tried to plunder each other by mistake?

Arrr, be sure of it! I've never seen it, meself, but be sure, it has happened! Arrrr! I only plunder other pirates' ships when I mean to do it!

Are you smarter than the average bear?

Arrr, aye! Most bears aren't particularly smart. (If ye' mean the Chicago Bears, I don't know. I suspect the answer still be aye. Arrrr!)


Arr. "No" be a pretty name, but "Yes" be a better answer than question. Arrr.

Do you like the fine arts? and, have you ever been to New Mexico? Well actually my real question is: How do you stay on that ship so long? Aren't you afraid it'll tip over and sink you and the treasure to the bottom of the endless ocean?!? .... Hmm...

Aye, once I attended a The Symphony in New Mexico! Arrr.

In answer to yer real question: I always have had a strong stomach and passion for the sea! I trust that she will keep me afloat! Arrr! But, as a pirate, I understand that there be dangers, particularly if another ship fires a cannon into ours. Still, I try not to worry. Arrr. And if the ship be sinkin', I don't think I would worry so much about the treasure! Also, to ward off the scurvy, I take chewable Vitamin C tablets. Arrr!


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