ask a stereotypical pirate... arrrchives!

Added 01/07/01:

what if you're not cool enough to be a pirate? I have this friend who's a pirate, and he wont let me be a pirate because i'm not cool.....

Perhaps ye' should prove to 'im what a good pirate ye' would make by plunderin' his ship and threatenin' to make 'im walk the plank if he doesn't say ye' would make a good pirate. Arrr!

Or, perhaps ye' need a new image. Ye' could try gettin' on a show like Fashion Emergency or House of Style. Arrr. Then, ye' should plunder his ship and threaten to make 'im walk the plank if he doesn't say ye' would make a good pirate. Arrr!

Why am I having so many problems copying this disc illegally?

Arrr... Perhaps ye' need to drop by a store and plunder a new copy of what ye' be tryin' to copy. 'Tis easier than lookin' into all that technical jabber. Arrr!

What products would you suggest to make my chest hair grow longer? I don't look manly enough, so girls don't like me. (Though it could be the beer belly)

Arrr, I reckon 'tis worth a try to smear the Rogaine all over yer chest. Also, spikeybangs, ye' should try gettin' the wenches ye' want drunker before ye' make yer move. Then, ye'll appear more attractive to 'em. 'Tis always good to work on a good pick-up line, too, like "Are those mirrored pants ye' be wearin'? Because I be seein' meself in them!" Arrrr! The wenches eat that stuff up!

For some years now I have planned my ultimate act of piracy involving a rather large canadian oil tanker a cuople of hundred of my closest friends and the great pirate haven of madagascar. Heres the problem, try as a might madagascar seems to be embroiled in some sort of political upheaval and gaining assilum for my crew has been more difficult than I had originally thought. Now, as much as I would love to fire and plunder the capitol as a solution, (I mean who wouldn't?) I feel my plan is better served by gaining political leverage. Any advice?
Cpt. Chi

Arrr! Ye' must follow yer dreams, Cpt. Chi! I say ye' should gather yer friends and plunder like mad! If there be a local group of rebels who oppose the government, perhaps ye' could either befriend them so that they can aid in the plunderin', or ye' could frame them for the plunderin'. I don't know much about politics or current events, but it sound to me 'twould be a crime not to carry out yer plan. Arrr! If ye' need some extra courage, ye' might want to drink an extra pint or two of ale. Arrr. That's what gets me through tough times.

ARRRRR ARRRRR ARRR raaaa arrrr arrr roooooooaaaaaaahjhjhjhjhjfffffffffaaaaaaaaaf ARRRRRRRRRRRR MAAAAATEEEEEEYYYY! some pirates mateys be mighty bastard like i say. and i think. i will eat a cannon. nowww my question. if ye' had a crazy parrot friend named....joe...and he decided that he wanted to eat a banana and dance naked on the moonlit seas, would you shove a cracker in his mouth, smack them accross the face, shake them and say "CALM YEEEESELF DOWN" orrr would you set him freeeee to make mad love to palm trees?
spanda maam

Arrr... keep this "joe" away from Parrot! He sounds like he be a bad influence! Arrr!

arrr...i was sitting here watching me invisible tv one day. and i saw that commercial for that mel gibson movie. and i smacked mel gibson across the face with a raw fish...NOW MATEY...IF SOMEONE TWAS LOOKING AT YOURRRR CROTCH...WOULD YOU LAUGH LIKE A RAGING ALCHOHOLIC?!
my foots asleep

Arrr, no. I would spill my beer o'er his head. And if it be a wench, I would say, "Arrr! I'll give ye' a better look if ye' come back to me ship! If ye' don't want to now, maybe ye' will want to after a buy ye' two or three more beers! Arrr!" Arrr.

crazy monkey

Arrr, how am I to know what ye' be doin' with yer ass? And Parrot smells nice, so it must be a good thing.

Arrr... I be not "women". I'm not even one woman. But if I were a woman, I would be all over a sexy pirate like meself like stink on a monkey. Arrr!

Do ya like pirate adventure games (e.g. curse of monkey island/escape from monkey island)? Arr!!

Arrr, I've never played a pirate adventure game, but I reckon I would like 'em. I did create a pirate Sim who works in a life of crime and walls his neighbors in traps in his backyard. Arrrr, 'tis a good time! If only I could find a way to do the plunderin'...

grab yer parrot and come with me. i be the best lookin' wench ye'll ever be seein'.
stereotypical wench

Arrr, aye! I'll be over as soon as I can! Arrrrr!

*sniff sniff* oooh what perfume do you wear?
Kitty Blank

Arrr, I wear no perfume. I reckon ye' be smellin' the parrot food on me. 'Tis pleasant and fruity smellin' 'fore it gets wet; then, it smells like farm. Arrr!

Erf. Yeah. Well...ohm...arrrr....*ahem*...do ye ever ice skate? ehm....arrr....rrr...? Arrr?
She of the Bitchin Ice-skates

Aye, once, when I was small, my third grade class took a field trip to go ice-skatin'. Arrr... 'twas not a pretty site. I even fell down when I was tryin' to pull meself 'round the rink by the holdin' on to the wall. Arrr. The ice-skatin' be not for me.


Added 12/31/00:

Can I be your sidekick?
A would-be pirate wench

Arrr! Do ye' be good with parrots and enjoy life on the ships? There always be room on my ship for a fair wench! Arrr!

Hey. I just moved to outside of Seattle. You said you grew up there. Are there any really good pirate outlet stores around? Or do I have to do some "plunderin'" to get what I need to start my piratey adventure?
Miruku, pirate in training

Seattle be not the best piratin' town there be. Arrr. Ye' may be able to get some basic pirate materials, like a parrot and an eye patch, at affordable prices, but there be not an outlet store. Arrr! Ye'll have to go out plunderin' for cannons and the like.

Do ye' know Steve? He was in my physics class. Arrr... I think he be a lawyer now. Arr.

ARRRR! Im very mad at ye you stereotypical pirate. You waste yer time lootin' and plunderin'. Why could ye' not be more like yer brother, Frank. He owns an unsuccessful shrimp company. Arrr, hes a good lad.
Your Mother

Arrr! Frank and I be much alike! We both work on ships, we both own parrots, we both have our daddy's nose! ARRR! WHY CAN'T YE' JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME!

Arrr. I need a pint. Ye' name a child Stereotypical Pirate, what do ye' expect them to grow up to be?

How would you go about making someone fall in love with you?
sad person

Arrr. First, I would get them drunk off their arse on ale. Then, I would have Parrot tell them how hot of a wench they be. Arrr, after that, nature should take its course.

I think that our "lives" are really just our last dying thoughts. Everything we are seeing and doing right now, we are just remembering. Like this question, for instance, is just one of the memories that you and I share... do you want fries with that hot dog?
Super Hot Dog Five!

Aye! I would like fries! Arrr!

dont you wish you were an Oompa-Loompa instead of a pirate? I do. But im not a pirate. im a Gnome. The life of a gnome is boring. I grunt and jump, yet no one is afraid of me. I try to mug people but they kick me. It hurts. Any thoughts?

Arrr, I be glad I be not an Oompa-Loompa! They be slaves to the evil Chocolate Man! Arrrr! I wish to be free to plunder and troll for wenches! Arrr! 'Tis the life.

I be a wench and my friend be a wench as well. Should I tell her I want her as a pirate wants a wench? arrrr! The confusion.


'Tis very important to be honest about yer feelings. Arrr. If this works out for ye', I have a video camera ye' can borrow...

why don't they make pirate costumes for trolls? And how come the paper on the candy dots tastes so majicaly delicious?

Arrr, have ye' tried lookin' at the pirate costumes made for fat children? Perhaps they could fit a troll.

I don't know much about the magic used in creatin' the candy dots, but 'tis always hard to get all the paper off. Arrr! Parrot likes to chew up paper.

how much stuff could a pirate plunder if a pirate could plunder stuff?
moo the cow

It all depends on how much stuff there be to plunder, how long he has before The Man gets there, and how big his ship be, amongst other things. Arrr. 'Tis best to get the more valuable things first.

Why haven't you called me!?
Your Favorite Wench

Ummm... arrrr... there be trouble with me phones...

Don't you love me anymore? ::sniffle::
Your Favorite Wench

Arrr, of course I love ye'! I've just been very busy with Parrot and Christmas plunderin' for me friends! We'll get together real soon, I be promisin' ye'. Arrr.


Added 12/13/00:

I don't want to ask any questions. I don't think you're funny.

Arrr, I don't see what one has to do with t'other, but I don't think anyone thinks I be funny (unless they be on the crack). Arr.

ARRR! Why do ye give us pirates a bad name! Yer here answerin' yon pyscho-babble questions instead o' plundering an' lootin'! What be the matter? Shiver me timbers matey! Yer a sad sort and its a wonder yer crew has not made ye walk the plank! Arrr... May the winds be with ye,
        Cpt. Jim

Cpt. Jimminy the scurvy sea-dog!

Arrr... I be plunderin' plenty! Did ye' see how long it be since my last update! Arrrr! I think it be healthy to have other interests outside 'o the plunderin'.

'Tis a great name, Cpt. Jim. Arrrr.

Have you ever just wanted to take shit but you couldn't so you decided what the hell let's just crap our pants?

Arrr, no. Once, when I be new to the piratin', I was so afeared of an enemy ship's cannons I soiled me drawers. Arrr, my mateys won't let me live that down.

ARRRGGH can ye put it in me pooper?ARRRGGH

Perhaps. Arrr... but I'd rather ye' find someone else for that.

i dream of spaiiiin and nay yay nayyyyy arrrrr....matey....

i reckon one lovely afternoon we be goin on a lovely voyage on the sea, we were going real faarrr...arrrr yes...FARRRRRRRRRRRR indeeeeeeed....and then we meet the eviul pirate army. they try to steal me gold dabloons? and i ate their livers. arrr....but sometimes. my pirate ass preferts a carrr....arr....dont blame me...im bored...and...arr....idiotic....


Arrr, lala.... 'Tis rarely a good idea to plunder while stoned out of yer gourd. Ye' need to know what ye' be after, and how to get back to yer ship, and not waste time on so many "munchies". Arrr. That just be general advice - it sounds like ye' like piratin' and smokin'. I won't pretend to understand yer question. Arrrr!

Octopi say "bloosh" and penguins say "splarge", so what sound do sharks make?

I reckon that depends on what they be doin'. Arrr. The cartoons like to make crunchin' sounds when the cartoon sharks be eatin', though.

Have you seen my face? Did Parrot eat my face? Dude? er...Arrr...rrr??
Faceless Bob

Arrr, Faceless Bob, I have not seen yer face. After all those cookies and orange juice, I don't know where Parrot would have room for a face. Arrr. Ye'll come across it eventually, I reckon. Check under yer bed and in yer freezer. Arrr.

You nipple!!! YOU'RE A NIPPLE!!! DO YOU HEAR ME!? NIP-PLE!!!

Arrr, no. I be a pirate. PI-RATE. Arrrr.



GRRRR! you aint be answerin questions in a while. GGGGGGGGRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAARRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!DO IT OR PERISH!!!!!!!NOW!!!!

Arrr... I like beer.

Does Parrot have any nude photos of himself?
Sexy Parakeet

Arrr, I don't think Parrot would like posin' without 'is feathers, if that be what ye' mean. Arrr. I don't have any pictures of Parrot wearing clothes, tho', lest ye' consider the one with the wee pirate hat. Arrr. Parrot knocked that off 'is head and chewed to pieces. Arrrr.

Raaaack! Pieces of eight! Pieces of eight! Find Captain Flint before it's too late! Raaaaccck!
Captain Flint

If ye' be Captain Flint, why do ye' need to find him? Or do it be a different Captain Flint? Arrr... I be perplexed.


[back to ask a pirate]
[back to tasty-pirate.org]