Phantom of the Opera - A Christmas to Remember
"Hey, Raoul, buddy! Long time no see, bro!" Erik punched Raoul in the arm as hard as he could.
"Hi," Raoul said, bitterly. "Christine!"
"Oh, Erik, you made it!" Christine embraced Erik wildly as he copped a cheap feel off her ass. "I was hoping you could come!"
"Christine, why don't we go to the kitchen and get some eggnog?" Raoul motioned for her to follow him.
"What is it, honey? You look upset." Christine poured eggnog into a kettle and put it on the stove. Raoul glared at her.
"You're the stupidest woman on Earth, darling," Raoul said.
"Probably!" She stirred the eggnog with a wooden spoon.
"Why the hell did you invite that man to spend Christmas with us? You know I can't stand that guy!"
"Honestly, Raoul. He's just lonely, and he needs us to show him someone cares."
"He's a fucking murderer!" Raoul threw up his hands. "He tried to kill me and force you to marry him and live in some dungeon so you could shriek the crappy little songs he wrote!"
"He was going through some hard times, Raoul." She began to pour the eggnog into shot glasses. Raoul followed her into the sitting room, where they found Erik drawing a mustache and devil horns on Raoul and Christine's wedding portrait in his own blood. He adjusted his mask and stared at Christine's chest.
"You look lovely tonight, Christine," he said.
"You look utterly hideous, Erik. I've always loved that about you."
Raoul went to the liquor cabinet and started chugging a fifth of scotch. Erik pointed to a glass of eggnog, "Is that yours, Raoul? You better drink it before it gets cold and ceases to taste like crap."
"Oh, no, dear, that's mine," Christine said. She lifted the glass to her lips.
"For the love of God, no!" Erik tackled Christine. "I accidentally poured deadly poison into that eggnog." He helped Christine back to her feet. "Accidentally grabbed your left breast, too."
"Screw the eggnog! Let's open presents, choke down some of Christine's cinnamon-sugar donkey steaks, listen to her screech 'O Holy Night', and get it bloody over with!" Raoul jumped into a chair, looking crazed. He took another swig of scotch.
"Well," Erik said, "I did bring you each a special little something." He reached under his cape. "I baked you a fruit cake, Raoul. There's a special little something in the middle."
"Thanks. Can't have too many roach-and-rat-poison fruitcakes during the holiday season." Raoul threw it on the pile with the rest of the roach-and-rat-poison fruitcakes he had received from Christine's friends and relatives.
"Oh, I almost forgot!" Erik grabbed a hat with mistletoe attached to a little fishing hook in the front. "Like my hat? Isn't it whimsical?"
"Great," Raoul said.
"My turn!" Christine squealed. "Erik, you're such a dear friend." Raoul stuck his finger down his throat and pretended to gag. "I wanted to buy you something nice. Here you are!" She pulled a sheet off of a new grand piano. Raoul choked on his scotch.
"How the hell much did that thing cost?" he bellowed.
"The nice man at the music store gave me a good deal. All I had to do was sleep with him! Aren't you proud of me, Raoul?" Christine batted her eyelashes.
"You really are a stupid whore, Christine." Raoul calmly walked back to the liquor cabinet for some brandy.
"Christine, I needed a new piano! How did you know?" Erik squealed.
"I remembered that yours was rotten and crawling with diseased vermin!"
"This is perfect! I wrote you a special Christmas song, Christine!"
Alone I live in darkness,
Nothing to do but try,
To find some happiness,
Before I whither and die!
I see a light, coming through-
It says, "There's only one way
She'll ever love you!"
"How?" I say.
You've got to...
(to the tune of 'Jingle Bells')
KILL RAOUL! CUT HIM UP! FEED HIM TO THE WOLVES!
HE MUST DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE - YEAH!
"That's all I wrote so far. It is bound to be my greatest work," Erik said.
"It's beautiful, Erik. I find myself strangely drawn to you..." Christine whispered.
"That's it! Screw you guys, I'm leaving! I'm going to go spend Christmas stoned in the arms of a cheap hooker." Raoul stormed out into the snow.
"No! Raoul, don't leave me!" Christine wailed.
"He doesn't love you, Christine! Let the E-man make it better..." Christine followed Erik to the bedroom, where they made sweet, sweet love until dawn.